Day 4

Finding out that you are my reason.

That i'm ready to step it up and all i need is your hand.

That you're all i have.

And that i'm going to fight. Hard.

Day 3

Hope.

Hurt.

Realization and regret.

Hatred.

Helplessness.

Self-pity.

And definitely more hurt and hatred that i could ever express.


--All part of facing the retribution i brought upon myself. Not complaining... not like i have a right to anyway.

Day 2

Still no end in sight.

Still no hope.

Still no deliverance. Well, maybe a bit in the form of this numbness and the little comfort it has to offer.

There's a little room for distractions now... though all are but short-lived and quite pointless.

Still, majority of the time is spent waiting and wasting away. What for? I don't know anymore.

I just want it all to end.

Day 1

There's seemingly no end to this and i wonder if it will ever stop. With every drop eating away at the feeble hold i have left on sanity, i wonder how much more there is.. and how much more i can take.

I pray for salvation, eager for the tidal wave of eternal blackness that i gladly await.

It never comes.

I take i hesitant step towards the edge and after yet another of a million moments of weakness-- there i was. Still pathetic, still stupid, still weak, and still unable to take that final step towards redemption and ending my own pain.

And so i beg. Draining all i had left even when i knew all those were good for nothing.

And still... nothing.

Of course. What on earth did i expect. There is no love, compassion or even the slightest bit of mercy spared for monsters. Monsters that are repulsive, monsters that are unloveable. Huh.

Guess it's really never going to end. This is what i get for being me-- a monster.

Delusion

I look around to survey the invisible boundaries I've constructed in my life, wondering... Always wondering what mystery the gray area beyond it holds. I wonder because in my mind is an image of a lusher, more vibrant kind of green that surrounds me in my own realm.

Could the grass be really greener on the other side? So we've heard numerous times and so we've been predisposed to ponder.

Again, I find myself pacing restlessly along the walls I've built around myself, curious but afraid... Always afraid to surrender and trust the path that is unknown. I falter because in my mind are doubts and uncertainties that make me weaker even more.

And so I wait. Like I always do, like I always have... until a tornado unexpectedly came out of nowhere to ravage everything I have ever known.

For a while, everything was nothing but a blur. I was immersed in a beautiful kind of chaos that left me bewildered

For a while, I experienced a whole spectrum of intense emotions that I never thought myself even capable of.

For a while, I let myself be lost in it. Let myself trust. Let myself be fooled into thinking that perhaps, there truly might be some beauty in the breakdown... Let go.

I know now that I shouldn't have. Because when I found myself unknowingly carried off to the other side by the treacherous tornado I trusted, I found nothing. The promise of a greener pasture, of something better was nothing more than it really was -- empty.